IT a Lai ! v2

2006-08-09T14:53:00.001+08:00

i flew too high
i jumped off a cliff
and now i must fall
slient / hard / alone .

just like old times
a cycle i must go through
for endless n endless times .

i wish u were the answer
but my mind screams ur never be

i should shoot my heart out right now
and spare myself the trouble later

this gift i do not want.
a blessing or a curse ?
so part of me.

drinking once again from the bittercup
the wraith of life poured out
watch your heart dissolve into plup
and from the ashes will rise other frozen heart

the solution looks like meaningless
walking on a blind man road for so long
my slow death by purpose so narrow
but for a moment i seen pass jordan banks
and i touched the promised land
memories that never fade
woe is me

i want something i never get
everyone has it
everyone but me
take me for granted
use me n throw me away
replacable in everyway
the friend in the corner cover in shadows
always there when u fall
always ignored

perhaps there are mountians growing in the ocean floor
for now only god can see them grow
and once again i have to be content to wait
all alone

yea im moody again ....
dont think u understand what i just wrote
but if u know me well i guess u can probly guess correctly
nothing changed bah,still i lie myself to sleep when i should be shooting my heart out on the floor.

50th post ! does anyone still read this ? it like my dead man chest.

2006-06-29T01:41:00.001+08:00

This week is a reminder that nothing last especially something as fickle as friendship, people I thought were friends have faded away to people I know. They were friends for a season when I needed them most but now strangely they have gone to other matters and other friends.

I don’t know what I’m feeling, a bit bitter I guess, if not I wouldn’t be written about it.
Yet I’m sad for them cause thou it ant me to judge I feel it like they are probably going to undo all the work I put in showing them the truth. Logically it feels like a step back for them but I trust god that he sending towards the next step in their journey and their still in good hands. one day perhaps those rejected stones will be corner stones

i was really hoping this time it would be different Perhaps it was just pity again or im oversensitive as usual. Reality can be harsh and bitter and I still bare the scars of denial and a cold heart and sometimes god seems so far away like a faintly distant star in the dark cold night. Sometimes god doesn’t seem to care silent in a big empty hall. Or worst he has turn against you. It feels like he slowly killing everything in you. Ripping away everything you hold dear. And when there a little hope to be found faintly in the dessert sand it only it to quickly fades away till there nothing left u hold to have a provable faith in god.

I know that all too familiar feeling….. to walk alone in darkness slowly bleeding away with the burden of the truth that doesn’t seem to be doing any good

Why go on ? Why be different, why walk alone shining a light no one wants to see when all the stars have faded away

I have ponder again n again and I still don’t know a better answer to give you dear reader then this

There is no easy answer then by that shaky varied word called faith. we were given the choice to see our world as the actions of a higher being called god and thus follow him, giving back our free will, desire and control or to see it as chance and live this world with all the limits of our human minds n faulty perceptions ending up in the denial of shallowness or be jaded n lose our humanity.

It really up to us to believe god is ready to show the way when we want to see him [faith]
And only when we truly want to seek him out that we can truly see that he is there somewhere working in ways beyond human understanding where simple chances start to fade away and show a bigger picture, a bigger plan, only then is there a faith enough for walking, to look up and see a new lone star shinning dimly in the night far away, and thou my heart bleed and my light feels heavy I can find peace n strength to love n praise the lord with all my heart mind n soul for there is a faith just barely enough to carry on

All good things must end
And so i fell head first
down by the gates of the season,
So alone, quite battled and totally worn

A peek into the horizon
Only shows uncertainty,
at it full glory dry and dark as it is
i long for a love I cannot find
But still all i get is the cup full of pain

Will the sun ever rise?
Among the everlasting desert night
i know im breaking
Lost here where i don’t belong
Among the dead, the dying and the aphetic
i think i lost sight of home

But you have always been there somewhere
Working in ways i cannot see nor understand
Constant glimmers of hope fading in and out
When none should be
Pointing the way on
Point the way home

And so i crawl on
Even when it feels like a hard long fall
Crash n burn like a fallen star lost somewhere in night
Knowing no one will ever truly care
No one can truly understand what i am

But you know. You see and somehow
i figure u still care
i hear the whispers in the wind
i see the hints in the sand
You are near somewhere
Reaping what i sow
Turing my pathetic offering of long ago
Into your corner stones
There is still a faith enough
Barely enough
to catch a slight of your hidden plan for me

The darkness still seems like my home
Loneliness calls me his best friend
My heart feels like it bleeding
And I cant tell if im breaking

But no you don’t need to heal me
No you don’t need to bring me home
Just as long as you’re here
And a glimmer of your present can be found
I can crawl on

Don’t leave me I weep

I crave your silent presence
That still voice,
and the peace beyond understanding
Now a quickly fading memory
im cutting my arm it has disobeyed
i bend my knees n beat my chest
i squeeze my camel thought the needle eye
i die again and again
i do what it takes

Just don’t leave me
Are we far from over?

2006-06-29T01:41:00.000+08:00

This week is a reminder that nothing last especially something as fickle as friendship, people I thought were friends have faded away to people I know. They were friends for a season when I needed them most but now strangely they have gone to other matters and other friends.

I don’t know what I’m feeling, a bit bitter I guess, if not I wouldn’t be written about it.
Yet I’m sad for them cause thou it ant me to judge I feel it like they are probably going to undo all the work I put in showing them the truth. Logically it feels like a step back for them but I trust god that he sending towards the next step in their journey and their still in good hands. one day perhaps those rejected stones will be corner stones

i was really hoping this time it would be different Perhaps it was just pity again or im oversensitive as usual. Reality can be harsh and bitter and I still bare the scars of denial and a cold heart and sometimes god seems so far away like a faintly distant star in the dark cold night. Sometimes god doesn’t seem to care silent in a big empty hall. Or worst he has turn against you. It feels like he slowly killing everything in you. Ripping away everything you hold dear. And when there a little hope to be found faintly in the dessert sand it only it to quickly fades away till there nothing left u hold to have a provable faith in god.

I know that all too familiar feeling….. to walk alone in darkness slowly bleeding away with the burden of the truth that doesn’t seem to be doing any good

Why go on ? Why be different, why walk alone shining a light no one wants to see when all the stars have faded away

I have ponder again n again and I still don’t know a better answer to give you dear reader then this

There is no easy answer then by that shaky varied word called faith. we were given the choice to see our world as the actions of a higher being called god and thus follow him, giving back our free will, desire and control or to see it as chance and live this world with all the limits of our human minds n faulty perceptions ending up in the denial of shallowness or be jaded n lose our humanity.

It really up to us to believe god is ready to show the way when we want to see him [faith]
And only when we truly want to seek him out that we can truly see that he is there somewhere working in ways beyond human understanding where simple chances start to fade away and show a bigger picture, a bigger plan, only then is there a faith enough for walking, to look up and see a new lone star shinning dimly in the night far away, and thou my heart bleed and my light feels heavy I can find peace n strength to love n praise the lord with all my heart mind n soul for there is a faith just barely enough to carry on

All good things must end
And so i fell head first
down by the gates of the season,
So alone, quite battled and totally worn

A peek into the horizon
Only shows uncertainty,
at it full glory dry and dark as it is
i long for a love I cannot find
But still all i get is the cup full of pain

Will the sun ever rise?
Among the everlasting dessert night
i know im breaking
Lost here where i don’t belong
Among the dead, the dying and the aphetic
i think i lost sight of home

But you have always been there somewhere
Working in ways i cannot see nor understand
Constant glimmers of hope fading in and out
When none should be
Pointing the way on
Point the way home

And so i crawl on
Even when it feels like a hard long fall
Crash n burn like a fallen star lost somewhere in night
Knowing no one will ever truly care
No one can truly understand what i am

But you know. You see and somehow
i figure u still care
i hear the whispers in the wind
i see the hints in the sand
You are near somewhere
Reaping what i sow
Turing my pathetic offering of long ago
Into your corner stones
There is still a faith enough
Barely enough
to catch a slight of your hidden plan for me

The darkness still seems like my home
Loneliness calls me his best friend
My heart feels like it bleeding
And I cant tell if im breaking

But no you don’t need to heal me
No you don’t need to bring me home
Just as long as you’re here
And a glimmer of your present can be found
I can crawl on

Don’t leave me I weep

I crave your silent presence
That still voice,
and the peace beyond understanding
Now a quickly fading memory
im cutting my arm it has disobeyed
i bend my knees n beat my chest
i squeeze my camel thought the needle eye
i die again and again
i do what it takes

Just don’t leave me
Are we far from over?

2006-06-24T02:24:00.000+08:00

i just spend 3 months crawling in the valley of dry bones otherwise known as IAP n FYPJ. I been attacked physcially,mentally,spirtually and i never walk this near to breaking point and i never lost so much.

there is a sense i think that god taking everything away from me so im unhiddened in seeking his voice n peace that is "beyond all understanding"
that it time for me to move on to other stage in my walk wif god.

I think a hiddened war has just passed out of this 3 mths of darkness and it fruits is a 6min video abt ym of 1 year in planning n prayer.This video i guess is iconic in the way it was made, the stress, the lessons learn both techically n spirtually,the unity created.it is truly by ym via the grace of god.and as we have grown in our walk wif god since last yr so too has this video grown.

i hope that it will be a reminder of what god has done, is doing now n has promised to do in ym. and that future gen of ymers and the prodigal sons of ym might see this video and know how great is our god.

this song spoke to me,this week the lyrics just scream out to me like i could hav written it out myself

Racing on a fault line
Bracing for a landslide
Conscious of every move getting harder
Has the race gone underwater.

I keep stalling out; I just cant keep up
Theres alarming doubt; am I good enough.
But you keep coming around to convince me
Its still far from over

We are still far. We are still far
We are still far from over.

2006-04-01T03:16:00.000+08:00

I was reflecting on my blog again and I think im going to change my view that I have actually grown quite abit this 3 years on the inside, Gone [ I hope ]are the shallow entries of my first yr of blogging filled with rubbish and shallow banter. Gone too [I hope again ] are the no clear angst of the 2nd year as I struggle with poly, bfa, love, pride and my classmates. Christianity is also slowly leaking into my blog that now I think it almost ingrained with the last few posts . I would like to say that I really believe the things I write about religion on this blog and it really has a impact on you as you might see how god is working through me but I rather you truly judge it for yourself if im turning into just other mindless zelotic Christian??.

Now is the 3rd yr of my blog how will I change ? I promise that I be totally honest in my blog no matter how hard or painful it will be.I want to wipe away the past and start this blog again with a clean slate of perfectness but I shall resist that and leave the past articles as a beacon of what I once was

I actually want to blog about a lot of stuff happening right now but I don’t have enough time so im going to just focus on one thing

Love :P haha

yea as promise in my last post here Andrew reasoning for damn im single hopeless and not gay er 1 mth late

Im single cause it my choice from my environment i think im one of the few who can stand the feeling of being unaccepted. Being a loser much of my life. I think I might have made myself worst out than I really am but I can really characterized my early life as having no real cliché to belong to, a reject of this world. I seek I do not find and not knowing it I have learned to live with it therefore

Im hopeless cause I will not willingly change my character now that I have realize it , it is too late for me ,I enjoy being me , I do want to be the perfect alpha male cause then I lose my identity of being me .Im sorry but I will not fit into any cliché just to be accepted.

I chosen to put god first and if that cost means dying alone forgotten then so be it cause probly love would never have worked out for me.

IM NOT GAYYY ! nuff said :P

Instead of ending with the usual quote from a song u should really hear im going to review a songs that changed my life

Wedding dress by Derek Webb on “She must and shall go free”

No song best describes how trivially we have taken God than this song
On face value this song uses some if not the most strong language on a upfront Christian album ever with words like “Whore” and “Bastard”. Extremely shocking yet making so much sense as it is used in it proper context that the impact is really there beside the shock value of those words. Enhancing the lyrics is the simple acoustics of a guitar thus making this a very powerful song to listen too as the lyrics shoot up at you strongly as you relate to the song and you realize that you too are no different from the whore in this song from how trivially you haven taken god to be.

2006-02-07T00:43:00.000+08:00

Andrew apologizes that this is not going to be too much of a sad depressing entire like 90% of the stuff here but more of a book review even thou vday a week away. Thou hav no fear andrew is half way through his typical anguist filled "damn im still single,vday special".

Thou if ur female and below 19 [nt in the ben ho way] and have enough courage to go out for dinner with me alone + movie next tuesday, andrew is more than willing to treat n spend for all the mental trama he probly gonna cause to u :P [man i sound so despo....... ]

Ok how many of u have heard of this little book called "the brothers Karamazov " by this little russian called Fyodor Michaelovitch Dostoevsky.

Do i see any hands ?? nope ok i expected that,I INSIST by the great scarry hags of barker library that u read this little book which is actually a collection of 9 mini books,if i just scared u off hav no fear i think the best part u need to read is this little outta point chapter call The Grand Inquisitor found right here :

http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/pol116/grand.htm

A very powerfull chapter this is and with many lessons which one can learn from.As 2 brothers talk. one atheist, the other a priest about a little poem [thou more like a short story ] he made abt Jesus,freewill,suffering and the church.What makes this little chapter so much more interesting is the ending which can swings many ways .
Thou i havent fully read it,i see it as a agurment abt freewill/freedom and the amazing human ablity to not use it properly by the The Grand Inquisitor and Jesus's answer .What makes this little poem more interesting is that it is told totally from the atheist point of view,he tells a tale of The Grand Inquisitor who arrests Jesus on the street and tells him he gonna burn him cause he gave people the freedom to choose to be evil or good and bydoing so cause the whole world to mess up and that by getting rid of Jesus n freewill the world will be happier and everyone will go to heaven

And how does Jesus or [the stranger as the books calls it] answer ?

"But He suddenly approached the old man in silence and softly kissed him on his bloodless aged lips. That was all his answer"

to which the old man replies

'Go, and come no more... come not at all, never, never!'

A ending that can swings many ways,what does that mean when he kiss the old man ?

To me i think it tells us a very effective answer why God gave us the freedom to choose him or to do evil.

Cause he loves us more than anything else ... and he rather we go to him cause we choose to but even if we use that freedom to hurt him like the grand inqustor, he still loves us all the same.Can we accept that ? or are we just like the the grand inqustor ~ "The kiss glows in his heart, but the old man adheres to his idea." too stubborn to accept the truth ?

There actually many more stuff one can learn from this story and hence i suggest that u also check out this site

http://www.dartmouth.edu/~karamazo/fremantle.html

2006-02-01T23:00:00.000+08:00

Is my blog a sad blog ? perhaps it is I think this blog has become a other side of me what could be describe as the darker side of Andrew, the cold computer-like and hurtfully paranoid person with a lonely, broken, bleeding heart hidden behind the walls of lame jokes and madness , most can never or want to see in real life .

I guess what your seeing is the pure human side of me without any of the Christian values that I learn and know truth, just my pure nature from the environment I was brought up without much love and little hope. I wonder if it scares you ?

I don’t need you to pity me [thou u can :P ] and I dare to say I don’t need ur love cause I felt I learn to survive with very little of it ,what I do need is just for u to read to know that im suffering deep inside but I found a being so powerful to be called god that I find a gd reason to resist it every day I wake up, to try to smile and truly tell those lame stupid jokes to try and show love to this miserable forsaken world that cannot be home. And more importantly thou im sure you too have your own hurts n pain which im sure are just as bad as mine, there is hope that will last far longer then ur friends, money or power can give you.

If u can see that from my blog articles then I guess I have done my part from this showing of the evil n pain deep inside

my name is Andrew there is a war going on inside of me, of Me vs Me and it feels like im losing everyday but im not alone in this battle and there are forces at work here which I cannot understand, but I still know this and say with a happy yet heavy heart that I know god still cares for me and that all the reason I need to carry on for other day with hope n happiness

is there anymore more I can ask for ?

2006-01-23T23:55:00.000+08:00

life is getting stressful again many projects to do as it the end of the term, so little time + some pondering if i truly have the gift that no one wants as everyone somehow seems to be getting attached again [thou i accept that im pretty lousy at guessing what people think.my chinese might be better ]

Dont worry thou im still the same andrew u always known[which might not be a gd thing :P ]

Now to answer chris tagging, sure no problem and actually that a tag line i was thinking of doing for a church youth shirt which i sorta aborted for now [i got 3 other pitches] .But i think is very relevant for all of us

To me it not a question if do/can we know enough about ? for that question can never be answer with a yes [that a long way of saying no ]

but so what ? are we apathetic to the implications of god,

i think that a serious problem wif us all. We pretend that god doesnt exist even if we know/feel/sense that he does exist, till the point that he has no more real meaning in our life that we can denial him without any guilt cause it is true, in our shallow perception of life .

I wish we all could take god seriously for what he truly worth but even i will confess that i constantly fail far short of that and my life u could say is no better or perhaps even worst off than urs .But i can truly say when u just truly TRY to take god seriously u will slowly gain something that riches, love or power cannt give u, a peace and happiness that no hurt n pain can take away

does it really hurt so much to take god seriously ?
[ i hope that doesnt sound so cheesy, oh btw yes i really did wrote all this, farkai ]

selling our souls to everything we hate,oh we of little faith
but he is of stubborn grace

Part from "beggars at the gate of god door' ~ the Normals

2006-01-17T23:29:00.000+08:00

Truth/Denial/Apathic ?

do we take god serriously enuff ?

2005-11-05T01:38:00.000+08:00

do I hav a ego ??? I discover that most of my friend class n ex-class in poly thinks I hav a ego…. frankly it kinda hurts cause naturally ppl don’t think they hav a ego …. and when they do find out it suxs for a lack of better word.

hmmm I like to defend myself and say that, hey it self-confident and pride at my work in what im relatively good at, I know my strong points, I know my weak areas and I know how to advertise the fact at what im good at it and avoid my weak spots . but is that just a excuse ???

Have I become like the typical ex acs boy wif a big ego ??? or is the world just more err for the lack of better word dull…. is that truly me ??? I kinda miss acs,4a2 n sg4 it like class was more fun, ppl more like me where odditities were accepted and no one really cared what the other person was like most of the time…

Actually I never really have a gd view on what ppl think of me as the only ppl who know my blog are mostly my ex roommates and ex-jc friends,unless u all think so but I rather u be honest with me then say nice things

well I guess I resolve again that for next term that starts next week Monday lol I shall do my best to shut my mouth and turn into the typical poly dao guy bah….. [which probely will not work like last last term ]

The grass is not greener here on the other side but god put me here and I guess im learning things that I couldn’t have learn if I stay on the normal road ....

2005-10-16T17:16:00.000+08:00

One week has passed and still nothing is sound, we pawns in a big game of chess called life. this week as i did my bible study, something hit me hard, we are in the end times ever since the temple of Jerusalem was destroyed by the Romans

The end times have started and we are rolling alone like little pawns in big games between 2 forces. What we see can only be a small picture and probably most of it unimportant to the bigger picture, yet still just as important to God n evil. I always stand in awe at the kind of person God must be, to plan out and mange the lifes of the people of this earth, yet to be able to allow free choice, painfully knowing what will happen next [ after all god is outside time and space ] and then still being able to forgive each and everyone who wants to be forgiven and then giving all who want to follow him a purpose while controlling the overall course of man so in the end there is still hope. Such Love n Power is just amazing to me.

Ok back to me, this week been quite a ride, i nearly think I hit my breaking point at the first half of the week wif logo design, leftover emotional trauma of the week before,painting my face and art history exam to study. I guess thou god works best when we know we are weak and learn to depend on him cause im still typing this and somehow im feeling much better. I still wake in pain and sleep wif hurt and there stress in the blood but i remember god promise and that all i need to keep going.

I like to close off by bringing attention to this spam email abt a play called corpis christ which I got from a few ppl ,i like to first state im totally disgusted by the idea of what they doing wif the gay Christ idea but im also disgusted by what the mail wants to do by blocking the show, I mean where is the love in that ?

All i see is hate n anger, we are Christians, as Christians i believe we must be able to show love even to those who mock us whether for mocking religion sake or for shock art [which i suspect is the case here ] by blocking the show all i see is hate, hurt and judgment, without dealing wif the real problem here.

Why did the guy choose to make this film ? What gave him the idea ? From my short research i heard it based on the "secret gospel of mark" and a gay grp point that since the rest of the bible never stated he was attracted to women so he could hav been gay

hence the film stand on the points of the "secret gospel of mark" and a argument that if he not 1, he then the opps of 1 which is 0 [that correct in binary ].i think this is a bad statement as ppl sexual state [I forgot how to spell orrantion….] is most definitely more then just 1 [nt gay] n 0 [gay] There also single n not looking/single n hopeless [ that me btw ]/not picky/half gay/damn gay/gay n single/really straight, just to name a few :P

If ur really bored check out
http://www.christian-thinktank.com/qbadmark.html
[ this is my fav site abt Christian apologetics, the guy non-basied most of the time which is better then alot of sites n his research seems good ok if ur willing to accept that he uses other ppl research, papers n books]
In short if u cant be bother to go nerdy :P on that site, then the secret gospel of mark is also highly debatable and not recognize by most scholars

Therefore i believe the play is based on a very flawed concept, rather then blocking it thou i still believe it better to let them go on running and use this play as a chance of proving the problems abt jesus being gay... and the secret gospel of mark, then blocking it and shoving all chance of discussion out the door and filling it wif “political Christian extremisms” which tend to help lead to the growth of secular extremisms and putting off a lot of non-Christians

2005-10-07T00:25:00.000+08:00

yup yup as most of u can guest from my previous post i decided to be allot more err how u put it frank n honest in my posting. It kinda weird for me as i never really like telling people my problems, actually i think i can count the number of ppl i told my problems to with half a hand.

But i been reading some stuff and listening to some music abt how we all hide our problems from one 0ther and i think that like so true and i guess as a Christian that a really really bad thing as we suppose to trust and build one other up.but if we keep our problems to ourselves ,we dont even giv each other the chance to help each other .we gotta learn to trust one other, to see that we really are not perfect happy beings who come to school, to church to laugh to smile and talk abt the week when we should be really telling each other what we really feeling inside
[I feel so pastorly…….]

so im gonna try something i never done before im gonna be totally honest abt how im feeling.Im gonna probably mention afew names of the ppl around me and im gonna piss ppl off n shock alot more.but in the end thou when im done with this blog i want to have nothing left to hide and i will be totally free knowing that I hav nothing left to hide. I hope it worth it

well today much better i manage to stick back most of my broken heart as predicted thou the side effects are still lingering they should be gone soon i hope .

i blame that on the fact that im quiet busy wif my new 3d model plan ,a musket holding goblin on a bat, think wc3 batriders wif a touch of barney madness, im also trying to learn rigging for maya but i hit a wall at skinning.

ok i better start planning my sunday bs class, some of u might not know this but im a assistant grp leader at Wesley youth to a bunch of sec1.it quite energy sapping, after class im like totally burned out as those guys are all hyper, kinda reminds me of me when i was sec1 [for further details go ask tiff :P ] .it also really demanding on me thou as there the added pressure that im now sorta responsible for the spiritual walk of 10 secs 1 and hence i too also gotta make sure im spiritually fine yet i feel this sense of pride as u see them slowly grow and start to see me as their insane elder barney :P

u know if u were to tell me when i was sec1,this sad little shy boy wif a psle score of 199 that in like 6 years i be teaching Sunday sch, be the head librarian of acbr and staying in my own hole, gotten 14 for my l1r5 ,discover love hate n even more sadness, i would pay to send u to woodbridge.
i really wonder what i be like in the next 6yrs.

ok now to end off wif a song again

my life looks good i do confess,you can ask anyone
just don’t ask my real good friends
because they will lie to you
or worse, they’ll tell the truth

because there are things you would not believe
that travel into my mind
i swear i try and capture them
but always set ‘em free
it seems bad things comfort me

good lord i am crooked deep down
everyone is crooked deep down
but good lord i am crooked deep down
everyone is crooked deep down
everyone is crooked deep down

i’m not water but i’m not wine
you could say i’m just here for the party
with one thing on my mind
squeezing me and my camel through that needles eye

crooked deep down by Derrek Webb
[ Derek Webb one of my fav Christian artist
his songs have this honestly about them that I can really relate to ]

2005-10-05T22:55:00.000+08:00

Fine fine fine i get the point, see im blogging again !!!!! plz clap hands

bah lala humbug ! [no pun to bala intended ] today im feeling bad sad,depressed cynical, go to a bar drink myself drunk kinda feeling i think it my "pmssy " thing i get it like twice or thrice a mth i just wake up feeling like crap and the day get more crappy and i sob myself to sleep.

mainly it cause today i found out the girl who i thought was interested in me just got attached ... before i continue first i like to state she not in acjc,she not a mg girl and she a SHE not a he, hence none of the ppl who come to dis blog know who she is so plz don’t go matching making me thou im sure that not gonna stop u from trying anyway.

if there one thing i guess i learn abt love through my 18 yrs of life is that when u really love something/someone, u be willing to giv it away even thou it feels like ur shooting ur heart out wif a gun . so im trying my best to forget abt it as i press the trigger afew times, bang bang bang ! .It hurts as usual and it probably scar me emotionally again bah ! but i guess i learn to hide it again along wif all the emotional baggage i gotten along with.

yes Andrew does feel a heck lot of hurt pain sadness n anger but unlike most ppl Andrew likes to think he also learn quite early to hide away all these feelings over a wall of madness, insanity n pragmatism [most ppl don’t bother to dig after they hit the madness part :P ] i guess that what happens when ur best buddie in pri sch is jkoo hahahahahaha but that should giv u a gd idea of how sad and loserish my life was. Amazingly i like to think i turn out quite well from such a sad state of affairs. Half my early life classmates are losers, the other half are gangsters losers .And here i am a loser loner retired nerd who realizes he is a loser loner retired nerd . Could have been worst really i could also turn into some fat ah loser nerd [and there are a few of those in poly].

u know the only thing that keeps me going on in this crappy times is i guess god,i dont really talk abt it but yea the only reason i really believe in god, the only reason why i make sure i go to church every Sunday rain shine or brimstone is for some reason my grades just seem to improve even thou im sure my predicted marks and mark i got are like +25 esp in Chinese.....,i blame it totally on god's grace .... and common sense tells me that u don’t take god's grace for granted and then at sec3 during some youth camp [which i promise i go if he somehow make sure i didn’t get retained] , I saw what god can do to like 300 ppl on a sat nite like filled with the spirt normal sane ppl on the floor crying. well i told god ok,ok i seen what u can do, I really take u seriously.

looking back my life hasn’t really been better, in fact i think it gotten socially more depressing but somehow i feel that god has a plan for me and he watching over me through this darkness, I survived allot through what can only be called god's grace and im sure it only by god grace that im not turning into some cold hearted calculative killer barney.

ok that all for today excuse me i gotta sob myself to sleep

Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around u crumbles
He will be strong
He will be strong

For the moment I feel faint
RelientK
[ a little song I used to sing to myself when im sad ]

2005-01-07T01:59:00.000+08:00

reminding myself what i hav to do

uh T-shirt touch up design by fri
Send bfa stuff on Fri
Pester daryl to get animation thing done ASAP
Church animation[Prayer on fri,worship n ushering editing by sat]
Clean up room on Sat
Enquire abt BVA work on sat
Plan BS class on Fri nite n Sat
Project H stage 1 on Sun
C.Webbie on Sun
Logo mock up by Sun

Futher stuff to note:
animation work next week
Church animation [hosipilty n activites ]!!!!!
Acjc animation class plan
Project H stage 2
Plan BS class on Sat n fri n thurs

2005-01-04T01:01:00.000+08:00

im still alive and still too lazy n too buzy to really blog blah blah.and my spelling still quite tab cauz i dun bopther to check my spelling mugagagagaga.It 1.04 am and i better sleep n bathe now.i got class at 9am

2004-11-08T01:28:00.000+08:00

arg wu sentafinticate nar dunderford
bida menti kosticated interserdthorphilliate
stinded yilla billa zay
wentora yate paravillintiniay paravillintiniay

dorga orpha dorga billa
dorga orpha stifaleare
dorga orpha dorga billa
tonalation fonamere

stop talking gibberish
or just stop talking
stop talking gibberish
or just stop talking
stop talking gibberish
or just stop talking
stop talking gibberish
or just stop talking now

if i had one wish
well i don't know what i'd wish for
but if i had a million zillion wishes
i'd use one to let you know that gibberish is
not a nice way to talk to all your

mork sawx ippen reeby yufftabar
higgerd quillip ernigrade du wellinshar
lirp crawn xyfa gourk jawinstabray
venaldo urp paravillintiniay
paravillintiniay

stop talking gibberish
or just stop talking
stop talking gibberish
or just stop talking
stop talking gibberish
or just stop talking
stop talking gibberish
or just stop talking now

if i had one wish
well i don't know what i'd wish for
but if i had a million zillion wishes
i'd use one to let you know that gibberish is
not a nice way to talk to all your friends

this is one of the songs in the album "2 lefts dun make a right, 3 do" By relient K that got nomated for this year best rock gospel album.I wish they won, Arg u ?

2004-11-02T23:52:00.000+08:00

Alone in this dark
Trying to consume me

I forgotten about love
and i tasted hate

But I found a light
And i can no longer go back

I found a better driver then hate
even in this darkness

Thou im still single
still hopeless
[still not gay]

I now found one true love
from the one true god

and still i follow his one true way
Alone in this dark wif his light guiding my way

does this make sense ? :P

2004-11-02T01:37:00.000+08:00

it 12.39am and my studio project about to end in 3 days time yea and once it over i can start to work on all my other projects i want to do.well i shall now take this time to plan my holi plan

1)church youth animation video~no pay bt major learning exp in flash n 3d hight tech style intergation also includes major pain but it a 3 mth deadline

2)aron webbie thingy ~time to get my tex cds

3)bfa all Bs except maybe for clay

4)Get atomic rigs going ?

5)conituie work for BVA

6)acjc orration animation anyone ?

till then One Love, One God, One Way

2004-10-24T01:24:00.000+08:00

fine fine i blog again,sorry i was lazy n buzy .well im rite in the middle of my studio project [it like ur pw thingy mix with promos ]

What i been doing:
1)i just complete 900 frames of animation in 3 days [35 secs ] for tech council
2)working for bva on the clementi maps zones
3)poly studio project
4)bfa-clay,animation and intro to com graphics [which is kinda like 3 big things every week]
5)im trying to set up atomic rigs~real power gaming
6)i got to go for some church camp training
7)i got church camp coming up
8)i got ask by my church leader to assist in helping a lower sec grp
9)i got church library tmrrw/today in 8 hours time

what i always have:
10) i also got tc
11)my own animation fluff
12)and dun forget the barker library

What i been doing afew weeks ago
13)i had to redo all my homework for 2 modules cauz i fail them all and pray i pass.... [6 assigments actually but i think i make it ]
14)i almost cut my left click finger off [lucky it only a 2 cm cut but unlucky no scar :( ] wif my knife while making the animation stage for clay animation for bfa
15)i got 99% of my poly class to switch to photoshop to do their UM hw after seening my rought photoshop sketches.... :P
16)I got a new amd 3.2 fx wif firegl after i burn out my dell gpu
17)worked wif bva on clementi animation
18)havent slept eariler then 1am for almost half the year

Im not sure but i think most people will really die if they had to do all that.somehow thou i seem to be more alive thou i admit sometimes it can be hell [see last post ] but it times like now that i really enjoy it.I seem more "me" when im ask to do the impossible with some impossible stuff [like create a 10 sec animation in 3 days time for openhouse... opps so i overshot by 300% ....].But when it come to the possiable stuff i dun seem to do it at all [ poly is still abit of a struggle ] hence i conclude that i only do the stuff that has a -99% of coming true very well while i cannot do the simple stuff.....

ok i blogged some crap and i dun think it makes sense and my spelling is bab but im sure ur happy :P

2004-09-17T22:04:00.000+08:00

My worst fears have come through and it 1b3 almost again i guess i pissed off almost all my teachers and classmates slowly but i dun know thou it hard not to pissed them off when u know deep down inside that u dun need them and u dun need poly and i guess that what trouble me the most.I really want to go do AAU full time it like so much better than poly in every aspect even when it online.But im stuck here with a class who i swear half of them hate me [not too sure why thou] .I guess thou anger can drive me harder,nothing motivate me better than a fucked up classmates who think their better then me and screwed up teachers who want me to fail.I hope i can still save this sitution but maybe it just too late.

I travelled the road less traved to see the grass on the other side,it not as green now infact it downright suxs but in the long run, a long time from now perhaps it turn into a field of gold or i shall wither and die ?

2004-09-11T01:35:00.001+08:00

sigh as i talk to my jr librarians i discover,i miss the library as

1)I miss playing with the photocopy machine which i broke the glass [but didnt had to pay for it :P ]

2)I miss trolley racing around the old library

3)I miss knowing the fact that i could tell where every book in the library should be and which book had the wrong callnumber

4)I miss knowing the ddc number by hard

5)I miss doing all the library borads up and pasting "damn n3rd properganda dept" at the bottom

6)I miss library orrantion esp last year and this year one, hehehehe

7)I miss eating cold duck noodles and warm coke for 3 months while packing up and unpacking the library

8)I miss selling $300 worth of flowers in one nite for the library

9 )I miss playing wif the boxes that we use to pack the books into while shifting over to the new campus

10)I miss the scrabble competions

11)I miss watching the uncencoured version of BOB in the library

12)I miss getting scolded by my sch principal while trying to get ppl to buy the leftover flowers during teachers day

13)I miss the library bbq~we all love gurion

14)I miss library grad nite~next time u want me to giv a speech tell me when im not in the toliet

15)I miss all the time i could read MAD,new sinetist,nat geo and teenage for free

16)I miss all the free books i could make the library order for me

17)I miss shouting "slience in the library and tuck in your chairs !"

18)I miss strip searching ppl incase they were stealing library books

19)I miss giving the library tours~one hour before my phy pracs

20)I miss all the library posters i would make~uncle chan wants u to join the library today !

21)I miss puting mr bau's face on the computer screen
wif the words bau is watching dun surf porn !

22)I miss insulting the old and older hags and getting away wif it~not that old hag the older one !

23)I miss shaking my ass in a hao bao for chinese new year

I really miss the library :( what other cca can give me all that ?

2004-08-20T21:51:00.000+08:00

ACBR LIBRARY OWNZ !!!! hahaha i just came back from the acbr grad dinner and well it was pretty uh FUN :D met all my juniors/mindless slave librarians and lol kept up wif them i discovered
1)that ACBR chinese still suxs :D
2)Garden hotel isnt that sleazy
3)There other cca that slower than library for Track meets :D
4)We actually got a postive score for scrabble unlike last yr wif -1500 points :D
quite impressive

2004-08-12T22:58:00.000+08:00

Single hopeless but not gay,that would describe my social life,haha.It partly my fault, partly urs.
Most girls [thou some wouldn't admit it ]go after the relatively
a)HOT/HUNKY/SEXY
b)RICH/NT STINGY
c)CARING/CUTE
d)preferable TALLER guy n SMARTER
e)COOL and HIP

im
a)OVERWEIGHT
b)STINGY
c)LAME
d)SHORT N CRAZY
e)NERDY LOSER

so my chances are around 0.00000001% which is around 0% hence see im single n hopeless [just trust me on the not gay part :P ]

"Love hurts" that applies alot for me [even more than playing soccer barefooted :P ] i end up more scarred than before vowing never again, yet some part craves and longs for it.

Overtime it fads aways to a whisper but it always still there calling out at night when i sleep.I wish i never been loved, never open that box in my head,but now it too late and i fear this new inner demon i unleashed ,it quiet now but for how long ? will i be ready, can i tell ? Will i kill it off before it too late ?

2004-08-09T08:59:00.000+08:00

Do u think that by spaming my hp wif "i sux" and threating to beat me up, u can scare me ?
lol plz man i face gangster frm sch,gangsters from outside sch [10 of them ],I beaten up guys twice my size,insulted teachers in their face.And u think i giv a shit abt ur "gang" ? U ppl sound like a bunch of acsi lower sec posers boy and that even more reason why im gonna beat the crap out of you. There a reason why ppl say i hav balls of steel and most ppl describe me as CRAZY u know,i guess u gonna find that out the hard way.I will not fight or cauze trouble but it been along time since i had a gd fight :P

2004-07-23T21:57:00.000+08:00

Im not of this world,i dun belong here.I sometimes feel so alien as i learn to fit in wif the others in a world were wrong seem right and right can be wrong,where ppl dun stop and think and just carry on without a purpose in life,so happy they seem in their meaningless as they bask in this darkness which looks like the light. Im accepted but never really fitting in afterall how can i belong ?

It like being alone in this never ending darkness But out of this darkness is a strong true ray of light,i feel weak yet strong when i bask in it,hope i can find,a hidden purpose i see in me and faith to believe so i carry on trying to give that true light back to the darkness around me while not falling in to the blackness of the void cloak in fake light .

Im currently walking many tightropes balancing ontop of each rope,one wrong move and it all come crumbling down.High risk,higher rewards is it better than low risk lower rewards ? Im striving to be different than the rest to stand out from the normal,but at what cost will that be,does it really matter cauz i might have nothing left to lose ? It too late for me thou, i choosen my path and now i shall find out what the grass really like on the patch less traveled.... Wish me luck dear reader if u really do care ?

2004-07-18T22:42:00.000+08:00

Trust~it what you give to your best friends ,to earn my trust u must prove u can be trusted,but hav I set my bar too high ? can I trust any one ?

Friends I thought I have have just stab harder and make me bleed faster ,I trust few and im quick to take it back at the first signs of treason.

When u fall and bleed there people to pick u up protect u from the sharks and giv u hope.

My greatest strength and my greatest weakness is that when I fall no one picks me up,I depend on no one when im trouble,I learn to stand up on my own without seeing any hope,I learn not to bleed.

In this pain,I become even stronger,more focus,more clear,more effective as I ignore and escape from the pain I have inside,carrying on unaffected by my emotions and thoughts .Yet weaker I become as I become more detach from the things that make us human,I start to ignore the human factor in my surroundings,waiting for the pain to go away.

It a state of mind I fear yet enjoy and so I fear it even more.

2004-07-11T22:39:00.000+08:00

I was gonna post a long artical abt my character today,but then i decieded to use the website which ShunJing got the results of his "oldham hall psychological test" I think it a very accurate discription of how i work and think unlike all the other psychological test in the interenet which go like u are a cookie,[how spastic is that .....] this test is much more complicated and is very detailed abt how u work and think and hence is actually also used by pros.

my Personality intj~Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging :

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.
INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

2004-07-10T23:40:00.000+08:00

im free ! im finally exiled from the tesserina and now got my own studio room at my old place,which includes a bigger room to sleep in and my own work area~which i shall call the damn n3rd/patchn3rds office n design studio :P
I be working on my portfolio page soon to upload my better 3d stuff n charcoal pics and pics of the office and work area :P so check back latter this week or next month depending on how buzy i am haha

2004-07-06T20:08:00.000+08:00

wat wrong wif ah bun ???

2004-07-02T19:09:00.000+08:00

Poly orientation is over,and now the lessons will begin,actually im quite glad im doing the bfa thing now,those drawing of naked hairy ppl I been doing helps alot wif my drawing skills So I might not be too screwed in it,heck I might be even aiming to get A :P

I think I more or less settled in wif my poly class,as always im now the "crazy slacking idiot" of the class and the timetable quite slack wif an avg of 3hours a day,so I should have enuff time for my bfa program,unless the hw load of the poly is a killer... And yes I can make it for tc on friday :P muahahhaahha

Overall I think I made a gd choice not staying in jc,much more free time but I will always miss acjc and the fun/crazy/nutty/insane things I did like throwing pokemon and both tc camps ! On a more serious side thou I did learn to relax more in acjc yet work harder too,fine tuning my social balance and social skills to perfection thou I hope I never need to use that in poly....

2004-06-29T22:23:00.000+08:00

Oh and poly starts tmrrw,time to see if i can handle bfa + poly stress at the same time.Not too sure thou,my artwork is best done in the moring wif 3/4hrs.So i gotta start work on tmrrw artwork hw at 8pm to 12pm and submit..Ah it a gd day to die

Project Sk02 is done
Project ZetA GreeN has begun [estimate to complete by next wk]
Project sk03 has also begun [estimate to complete 2/3 months from now ]

2004-06-28T19:25:00.000+08:00

oh it like aron ant staying wif me oh well ........ so it just me in a really big room,wonder if i go insane :P

2004-06-25T23:18:00.000+08:00

I MOVING OUT ! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Im going back to my old home== much bigger room than my current hole which i share wif my brother.Im so HAPPY :D :D :D :D
unfortunately I have to share the house wif a few other boarders but for company aron might be joining me [do we pity aron ?] Im so HAPPY :D :D :D :D
MY OWN ROOM AND WORK AREA :D :D :D :D :D

2004-05-15T22:02:00.000+08:00

As read through some local forum,I cant help but feel that alot of ppl hate ACS,it like they all think

1)we are a bunch of ang mo kia/bananas who cant speak chinese

a)To go ACS{i} u must get 235,ALL AS which include chinese.[IM assuming that appeal ppl at worse make up 5% of the sch pop]

b)ACS(I) has higher chinese [nt too sure thou]n GEP ppl im sure their chinese is gd to take higher chinese rite ?

Hence im assuming that acsi chinese level is quite ok

c)Only ACSBR ppl chinese is crap compared to OTHER SCHOOLS[cauz we rox ! :D] we have a 70% pass [below nat avg ]in chinese [as of 2003] and a 0.5% distintion rate and we hav the highest number of clb ppl i think [152 in total].However most acs(br) guys can talk in chinese,i dropped chinese and even got -5 for spelling but i can still talk to those Beijing ppl in china [went there for 1 week holi ]

Hence i assume [actually i can say for sure ]that most acsbr ppl will be able to talk chinese just not at the level demanded by singapore

d)SO i think i have gave enuff facts to prove that acs chinese ranges frm below average [acsbr :D :D :D]to above average acs(i) [ :( :( :( :( ] hence this point is unfair as our chinese can beat half of singapore.And this point can only be said of acs[br],but really depends on what is gd/bad chinese?

2)We are a Rich man sch
ahh yes this is true again to some extend
a)I know afew ppl who parents are loaded $$$$$ [around <10 ]
but this more or less applies to only aci after all if ur loaded why stay in barker go buy ur way into aci

b)In my batch it like only 2 ppl will/can afford buy their way in

c)I estimated based on my friends that at most only 15%[at BEST] of the sch in acbr can be consider rich

d)in acs[i] i put it at also 15%,cauz i been to acjc and u can tell who loaded and who not

e)the rest are actually AVG to above AVG,thou i think most ppl in acs are just above average

Hence yes thou are a higher amount than normal of rich kids in acs,it is unfair to think that everyone is loaded cauz we not~it a generallstion based on a small % of the school

2004-05-10T22:57:00.000+08:00

Fellow nerds, pedro need our help ! vote for pedro ! why cauz he slogan is "elite geeks" which is kinda crap but heh he has called upon us fellow nerds to support him so wth i will now support pedro in his quest to join the student council of acjc,will u help me !

ok i just went out shopping for art stuff today and i think i gotten most of the stuff i need,also i can now sorta play 3 songs on my guitar ! or they sound 75% like them ok gtg

2004-05-05T21:35:00.000+08:00

Im bored very bored, very very bored,so bored that i might start talking to the wall....[now is that a great opening line or what :P]

I guess that what happens when u stay at home all day,sometimes i wish i had appeal to acjc [ im pretty sure i could have got in ] and just go jc till june and apply for la salle haha but then im reminded of that pile of Alevel maths hw i cant even do n how i progress so much faster in my animation,photoshop n illus ....so i look forward to every friday tc meeting,the occasional ACBR Library thing or a roommate outing it like my only few times i can go out of my house and into the outside world and hav fun .sigh.

On the bright side i rigged my soldier model,finsh the guns for IK,done the train rail outside,created a model of a transport plane and tried my hand at illus to create a scene of a shoot out [i can sense the power of it flowing through the mouse :P ]

so tmrrw i just gotta to rig the boss model [ opps that was suppose to do today ] and the train insides part 1

2004-05-03T21:44:00.000+08:00

As i read through my old blogs, wow man there are alot of spelling mistakes :P but i did use spell check so i guess my spelling so bad, spell check cant save me n im really too lazy to really check through my stuff when u blog at 11pm to 1am :P

Anyway today was a mixed day,i had a headache which was bad n killed my hand again trying to practice the guitar...On the bright side i refine the flash code for the HDTV so tmrrw i just need to debug a slight timing prob.Oh i also done up 75% the "train rail outside" for the comic and finish the boss model for it too but it kinda crap cauz, i used a stock model [the blue guard and sk2 thing ] and added a few stuff,i also done the chaingun for Ik-47

So tmrrw i got to finish the flash for TC,complete the train rail outside n rig the boss model maybe start work on detailing the trains insides .

Sometimes it looks like im running a one man design studio since i "work" frm 10am [the moment i wake up ] to around 5 or 6pm doing the 3d stuff for the comic or stuff for the tc. [ of course i giv myself lunch break and sleeping time :P ] I guess it helps me kill alot of time and im learning alot of stuff in the process [ photoshop,flash n 3dmax6 ] i wun be able to learn if i stayed in jc,but i miss my friends and it really boring staying at home all day .sigh. Everything in life has it pros n cons and the grass is always greener on the other side

2004-04-30T22:46:00.000+08:00

I wonder if anyone actually reads my blog ? Somehow I doubt so but that just me :P in a way I guess it a gd thing cauz if no one actually reads me blog, I can start to post some really secretive n personal crap but doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of a blog [since ppl are suppose to see n read it ?] I dun know maybe it me :P

IM weird n crazy yea I admit, I like to join ccas which are not popular and no one in his rite mind would join willingly ,yet I serve in it like it the best cca in the world and somehow I feel proud of it,I feel happy that IM in a crap n screwed cca...

I think it mainly cauz I think would be apperaticted there better ?
I mean im like kinda useless but among the other MOSTLY useless ppl im not that bad OR I think they need me? I mean wif such a bunch of MOSTLY useless ppl I could actually turn out to be a usefull and helpfully talent ?
I think that what make me choose a cca.i join a cca which I think need my help

As I read the last parg,I fingure I sound like a egoistic jerk which maybe I am ?
but heh when I look at the cca I join really man I think the acjc ,acbr library n TC WERE kinda hopeless! U just look at MOST of the librarians[TC ant that bad I find ].They look MOSTLY like losers or just so dead wif no meaning in life when I see them I just feel like I dun wanna end up like them,I wanna make a diff and be someone different ?

So after I join those crappy cca, my goal in my short span of serving there is to change those cca.That when ppl see acjc lib,acbr lib or TC.They will not hav that impretion I had that that cca is lifeless and dull but it alive,active and the ppl in them are passionate abt their cca

To me that is a GD cca,it not what u do but the people there.What does TC or library mean to them if it means that im only going there cauz I need a cca then I think I had failure in my goal, instead when I leave a cca I want the next gen of cca ppl to join a cca which the seniors really enjoy their cca and can infect the next gen of ppl wif that passion.

To be honest im not that gd,wif the acbr library I see that they hav changed alot frm when I was sec1,the library now is much more active,much more lively but not as passionate as I want them to be.

I couldn't do much to the acjc lib but I think it a much harder task but if u can put it off to make it like what acbr lib is now, I salute u.

I like TC :D I find it fun as I can actually help out and see my results and I dun think there much changed needed for tc, it is headed in the rite direction I think

ok that all for now :D~alone am i ? or is that a state of mind

2004-04-27T22:13:00.000+08:00

I am writing this cauz of something i saw in my friends blog,thou it doesn't really fit his prob as I never really think I met/discovered really bitchy n manipulative ppl yet and yea it not for me to judge,I just like to state "Andrew personal policy on getting backstab by friends v2b " and maybe he might just read this and learn something abt how I deal wif ppl who let me down I hope ?

Andrew personal policy on getting backstab by friends v2b :

Let me ask u,are u sure u never let any of ur friends down ? hav u ever been hypocritical,hav u ever said/done anything that hurt anyone ? I wish I could say I never done that,but honestly I know I did and that why after my friends hav hurt me or stab a knife through my heart or left me to die on some not very far away beach [.....] I will still try my best to carry on .....

Thou sometimes I can never really in my heart forgive them for what they did to me or understand why they did,what they did.I still try to be there for them when I know they too hav fallen down and left to die. After all if not,am I any better than them if I leave them there just as they hav done to me ?

2004-04-26T14:50:00.000+08:00

100% simply orginal ~i think that will be my design mantra for my blog [till i recall all my css coding skills and find a better one-liner :P ] many people like to use other sites to do their blog sure it looks really gd but is it really u when on avg a million other people hav the same pic or theme ? hence i will buck the trend and do something simple yet totally me,i think my blog will be "parnoiodic oxymoronic" in nature since i think im kinda a oxymoron n dun really trust ppl... thou how im gonna do that to my blog im not too sure

2004-04-25T22:55:00.000+08:00

Home finally got my guitar up and n3rding :D and now on my mission to play some Rk songs yea ! oh today was also my church library day too somehow I find serving in the church library relaxing like I can stop being Andrew and shift to Andrew librarian mode [thx u for coming to the library and hav a nice day :D ] No need to worry abt life or my worries just how I can serve u better.

I read a very interesting article today in the church library regarding Christian music and it being water down to suit the young thou most articles of this nature are very biased,this was suprising trying to be fair and did raise a very interesting point.thou the lyrics tend to be watered down,it also still Christian and hence can still reach mainstream ppl who dun know god [the type that will be turn off by ccm stuff ] It also very simple to understand by normal ppl unlike non-water-down stuff ? But it also make me think when is a song watered-down ? At what stage does a song turn frm a simple honest meaningful song to being watered-down ?

I mean in jar of clay's lastest CD there a song called "Jesus blood never failed me yet" ,a simple song cauz there only one line in it repeated for a few mins yet it suppose to be org sung by a homeless man [simple strong unshakeable faith in god in times of trouble something that most ppl lack] hence a simple n meaningfully song to me, however it also not the org song and is watered down cauz it just one line and doesn't really tell u anything else.Honestly i think sometimes it doesn't matter if the song is water down or not but more of wat does the song mean to u ? Does it build u up as a Christian ? N why do u like it ?

2004-04-24T11:30:00.000+08:00

Ok IM feeling much better now that I decided that it completely stupid to feel bad abt yesterday so IM back to my normal insane self i hope :P yea it good to be insane.

2004-04-23T19:50:00.000+08:00

!@#! IM feeling rather bad rite now .. All because of X ! arghy man, x deserved it ! Yet I still feel guilty or I think I feel guilty but it also made me become coldly emotionlessly angry again[which is not a very gd thing,thou i think it help wif my comic action part thou ].I mean i try so hard to be nice to x but really man sometimes i got my limits........ !@#!@# Ok other than that i didn't got my guitar on wed :( but i hope to get it tmrrw night I HOPE.

2004-04-21T14:01:00.000+08:00

BAD NOSE DAY for me,woke up wif both my nostrils blocked [imagine if someone shoved a wine cock up ur nose....] and whenever I sneeze I get a splitting headache....[which also kinda suxs as it feels like ur head is vibrating upside down ].For some reason IM feeling much better now and manage to somehow complete or 80% done my train model and the basic work for the train station for the next issue of "Project SneaK02" Also my dad claimed to be able to get me a guitar free for one of his friends :) so I can start practicing to be more like Relient K soon :D [the BEST alt Christian punk rock band ! ] so today ant so bad after all. [On a side note this page is still not really done yet, but dun worry it should be complete soon :P ]

2004-04-20T13:20:00.000+08:00

N3rDing?